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it's been a long time comin

i think i've finally graduated from living in a dark cloud filled world, to a pretty sunny and bright world again. and i am not skeptical.. i do not currently think that the other shoe will drop. it's sunny! and green! you know that dark cloud? the one that follows you around, almost impossible to shake. the one that threatened to thunder, lightning, rain, and hail? the one that had a gun and promised to shoot you once, at an unexpected moment, sometime in the future? the one that was there for 4.5-5 years that you were forced to accept. that forced you to learn to truly appreciate silver linings and statistical anomalies. well, it shot me (and my family, i suppose) on november 23, 2012. the cloud finally shot me. i guess there a rule in movies, where if you see a gun, it WILL be used. i saw the gun sometime around july 6th 2008. month to month. day to day. scan to scan. test to test. 85% mortality. #4 killer. 3 months.  3-6 months. google search to google search. after t
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rock bottom riser

the purpose of this post is just for me to type feelings out because theyre currently trapped in my noggin... nothing prolific or anything.... you know... one minute, you're FINE. and then BAM it hits you. your're driving home from OC, slightly nostalgic, and coming from a bridal shower of a dear friend and from getting boba with another dear friend. you're singing along to tswift's 1989 album. and then...TEARS. streaming down your cheeks. i miss her.... there is so much happening. a new house, a bright future, happy at work. pretty at peace and happy with life.  this is the best i've been (overall) in maybe a decade with where i am, where i've been, and where i am going. i mean, nothing is ever 'perfect'.. but seriously, i'm actually not tinged with conflict in my head and questioning things. but... i guess everything is just...so...damn. bittersweet.  she's not here. (yeah yeah, she's in your heart, with you always ). yeah, but SHE
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attitude checks - a loss of a mother

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November three years ago, i was angry and bitter. for the life of me, i just couldn't muster up a thankful and grateful and overall positive attitude. how could i be thankful knowing full well that at any point, her liver would start shutting down, and she could die in months? how could i possibly not let that affect my being and not be sad and angry about that? in that same time frame, the other normal bs of life was also kicking in. i was questioning what i was doing and why. in every aspect of life. i managed to work through that particular "dark period"…. somehow in december i started becoming a little less hopeless. a little less negative. November two years ago (the year and month of), i somehow had managed to work through the prior year's angst so much so that i was at peace. if you had asked me the year before, i wouldn't have even fathomed being ok. not so much that i didn't believe i could be ok, but more so that i didn't know HOW i would
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irreplaceable spark

january 2004 aug 2004 BS in between july 2008 november 2012 i think the irreplaceable spark to spark by might not exist.
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dim sum plum

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growing up, i learned that one way to show love is serving others. doing things for others. helping others. making sacrifices for others. i hope my mom left this world knowing she was loved. i'm sure she did. i think she would have been pleasantly surprised at the turnout to her funeral, actually. she would've had that big buggy wide eyed look accompanying an open mouth smile.  wahh, kum daw yun! excuse my spelling of cantonese words turned english… that translates into something like "whoa, so many people!" i think she would've been touched to know that she had some sort of impact on all those people's lives… indirectly or directly.. or even that so many people turned out to show support to her widowed husband and her offspring. i remembered something from a while ago: painting nails! my mom stopped wearing nail polish at some point in time. i think she used to like to have red nails (red was her favorite color). but i thought it'd be nice to pa
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glimpses & thoughts & reflections & attempts to remember

she was a fast driver (like me) efficiently and quickly getting me to church, tennis, singing, piano, ballet, jazz, tap, flute, cello, brownies, kumon, school, pool……. and the irvine spectrum.. everywhere she was an incredible cook (malaysian spicy crab, satay and other yummy goodness) it was the highlight of my birthdays she was selfless and giving wise and smart loving and patient (sometimes not so patient if was being a royal pain in the ass) caring and kind also, a sensitive soul she was an enforcer piano practicing enforcer the kumon and nonoopi doing enforcer the singing practice enforcer the decent grades enforcer at the time, the enforcing was a bit much in hindsight, i wouldn't be where i am without said enforcing  and you know how you knew she cared?  "did you take your vitamins?" "did you drink enough water today" "eat more vegetables" "did you eat dinner yet?" etc etc etc  i'm sure our family could gi
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remembering and forgetting

how do you keep from forgetting? forgetting the feeling. forgetting the love. forgetting what it feels like to have a mother. forgetting what it was like to have her in your life. forgetting what it felt like to know you had the option to turn to her for advice or other motherly things. it's only been almost two years. what will happen with each passing year? i know, i can control it. remembering and forgetting. i can control it. but a girl's got to express her fear, right? side note: i wish i could call her. i am at a crossroads in my life where i need to do something about something. the only thing is that i have to wait for the right timing. like waiting to hop into a game of double dutch. it's all about timing. but i will do something. and looking back on my draft posts, i've been needing to do something about something since at least march. there are several things that need to happen. but i must be patient. the great thing about life though, is that…
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