bird is the word

i am allergic to goodbyes. ok. i have a strong aversion to them. the last real goodbye i said was to my mother. i wish i remembered the last two conversations i had with her a little better. what i DO remember..what i DIDN't black out... was that i told her i'd take care of my dad. that i'd be ok. that it was ok for her to go. that i have nick, that i have my friends, my brothers and my dad to help me keep my chin up. i THINK i thanked her. told her i loved her. gave her specific examples and memories.... i wish i remembered.... i've never been so thankful to even have the opportunity say goodbye. she was out cold that morning. in fact, the moment i stepped into the hospital room, her breaths were so labored, so slow, i didn't see one at first. oh my god, she's dead. she died. she stopped breathing. longest second of my life. then she breathed. my dad walked in the room, i acted as if that moment and those thoughts had not just happened. after ...

when i was younger, we lived in a part of irvine called northwood. i'd go grocery shopping at the local vons (by del taco, carls jr, downey savings, the dance studio, and blockbuster) with my mom. every time, i'd look forward to getting a free sugar cookie from the bakery there. with sprinkles of course. i'm pretty sure i inherited my mom's sweet tooth. in high school, she'd pick me up from school and i KNEW 9 times out of 10, i could convince her to split a starbucks frappucino with me =) so i did!

i didn't make any birthday wishes this year. i had several opportunities. several wishes to make. several candles to blow out while celebrating my 29th birthday. my first birthday without my mother. don't get me wrong, i'm grateful for the 28 birthdays i've had with her. this birthday, i couldn't think of any wishes. i refused to wish for anything. what's the point of wishing. i'm not making a wish. WHY. BOTHER. now don't get me wrong, i completely understand how ridiculous that is. but really, it's a little difficult to fight these feelings of   complete hopelessness when they engulf you.  surround you. hovering overhead. it is! these feelings of wanting to melt away forever hit me hard on tuesday. over a week after my birthday. in conjunction with some other shit going on... well... it compounded things. exponentially.  i hate everyone. for those of you who have lost someone, specifically, a parent. specifically, a mother. i've ...

I wanted to share this with the world. My eugoogooly (thank you Zoolander for that!) for my mom, Jade Yong, who passed away on November 23rd, 2012. Whether you knew my mom or not, you know know she was an amazing selfless, loving mom. She was diagnosed with Stage 2 Pancreatic Cancer ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pancreatic_cancer )  in July 2008, had the Whipple Procedure done ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pancreaticoduodenectomy ) in August 2008, started chemotherapy and chemo radiation treatment in September 2008. In Spring 2009, we found out a few tumors grew in her liver, then started up chemo again (pills and IV - side effects were mild). The doctors gave her 3-6 months. Fast forward to 2012.. almost four and a half years later. She's still fighting, still being brave, still enjoying life. Her liver began to shut down earlier this year. Just before Thanksgiving, her kidneys started to go. She was admitted into the hospital the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. My dad and I had ...