i wish i could dream of her

i didn't make any birthday wishes this year. i had several opportunities. several wishes to make. several candles to blow out while celebrating my 29th birthday. my first birthday without my mother.

don't get me wrong, i'm grateful for the 28 birthdays i've had with her.

this birthday, i couldn't think of any wishes. i refused to wish for anything. what's the point of wishing. i'm not making a wish. WHY. BOTHER.

now don't get me wrong, i completely understand how ridiculous that is. but really, it's a little difficult to fight these feelings of complete hopelessness when they engulf you.  surround you. hovering overhead. it is! these feelings of wanting to melt away forever hit me hard on tuesday. over a week after my birthday.

in conjunction with some other shit going on... well... it compounded things. exponentially. i hate everyone. for those of you who have lost someone, specifically, a parent. specifically, a mother. i've been told nobody really gets it unless they too have lost a parent. the way i can describe it is that it's f*cking weird. it's just weird. it is. that hole is there. almost like a hole a break up leaves. except.. well.. you REALLY can't contact the person... because they're DEAD. i've never had my heartbroken, but i imagine the pain and the longing is similar in the short run. anyway. you kind of just want people to leave you alone sometimes. my introversion is becoming more apparent.

it happens. i don't really hate everyone. i just want to be by myself. i don't really hate everyone. i'm just a little bitter my mom is dead. and that i can't call her to tell her about my raise. or about how excited i am about my boyfriend and i. no more easy gold stars. 

at least these days, i don't feel bad for feeling ok. for living my life. i feel pretty good. for a while after she passed, i felt ok. i'm more ok that i thought i'd be. is it because i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? for shit to hit the fan? maybe i processed this and went through the grief process in the months leading up to it. i googled that sh*t. liver failure. septic shock. swollen belly. i know what's up. rozzie, her liver and her internal organs are probably shutting down. yeah. looking back, i knew.

the tuesday i left for home, i was on lincoln approaching the 10 east. what if she dies this weekend? nah, she'll come out of the hospital just like the other times.

wednesday. visited. not looking good. thanksgiving morning @ about 8/9 am: doctor calls. says it's no way to live now. better to put her on a morphine drip. take her off all her meds. my dad, brothers and i go to the hospital. agree to put her on the drip. she wakes up. we have a 30 minute heart to heart with her. she tells us to go home and eat our thanksgiving meal. wake up friday morning. ask my dad if he's heard anything.

he has this look.

she died a little after midnight.

she waited until thanksgiving was over.

it's just sometimes. i miss her. sometimes, when i can't distract myself any further. when there's nothing to do. when my mind is unoccupied and already susceptible. i hate the world. i hate everyone. i miss her.

but life goes on. and those thoughts fade. everyone is not hated. i do not have a desire to melt away forever. also, i realize the better phrasing of that thought would be "i want to take a nap now and wake up tomorrow"... but at the time, it's  i want to melt away forever. because that's what it feels like. it's sounds much more concerning that it is in reality. 

i don't remember her. i don't remember her voice or her smile. subconsciously, maybe being motherless is eating away at me. what about the childhood memories? any memories at all? i'm going to work on writing about memories of her. but first, this morbid and depressing post. because. well. i don't show people what i am inside. especially if my ADD brain makes no effort to control myself and my ADD thoughts. so now, here i am. here is super bummed out roz who is trying to be ok. trying to allow myself to process and feel and move on and find my new normal. here i am!

i've only dreamt of her once or twice. briefly. i don't think of her often. it hurts too badly.

i wish i would dream of her. i wish i could see her once more. to say hi. to give her a hug. to see her smile.

i really just wish i COULD.