Showing posts from 2013

facing the new year

the big question is how will i survive 2013?

i don't know where to begin. as soon as the clock struck twelve, my inner battle with fear resurfaced.

my fear: how do i remember her as the mother without cancer. how do i remember her spirit. i remember some bits and pieces of the last five years. if i cringe at the thought of merely starting a new year without her, even the pancan her, how will i get past the birthdays. mothers day. their anniversary. my birthday. thanksgiving. sh*ts just f*cked. it is. plain and simple. other people have gone through this too... yes. but with pain.

how do i do it without isolating myself? a silver lining is... well.. my personal opinion is that i produce some of my better pieces of art when i am walking through valleys. =)

fear is human nature. as is doubt. in my mind, the world is what you make it to be. it is how you react to life's twists and turns. to the peaks and valleys. the plateaus. life's tragedies and triumphs.

so yes, i acknowledg…

allergic to: goodbyes

i am allergic to goodbyes.

ok. i have a strong aversion to them.
the last real goodbye i said was to my mother.

i wish i remembered the last two conversations i had with her a little better. what i DO remember..what i DIDN't black out... was that i told her i'd take care of my dad. that i'd be ok. that it was ok for her to go. that i have nick, that i have my friends, my brothers and my dad to help me keep my chin up. i THINK i thanked her. told her i loved her. gave her specific examples and memories.... i wish i remembered....
i've never been so thankful to even have the opportunity say goodbye. she was out cold that morning. in fact, the moment i stepped into the hospital room, her breaths were so labored, so slow, i didn't see one at first. oh my god, she's dead. she died. she stopped breathing. longest second of my life. then she breathed. my dad walked in the room, i acted as if that moment and those thoughts had not just happened.
after we gave the ok to…

sugar cookies

when i was younger, we lived in a part of irvine called northwood. i'd go grocery shopping at the local vons (by del taco, carls jr, downey savings, the dance studio, and blockbuster) with my mom. every time, i'd look forward to getting a free sugar cookie from the bakery there. with sprinkles of course.

i'm pretty sure i inherited my mom's sweet tooth.

in high school, she'd pick me up from school and i KNEW 9 times out of 10, i could convince her to split a starbucks frappucino with me =) so i did!

i wish i could dream of her

i didn't make any birthday wishes this year. i had several opportunities. several wishes to make. several candles to blow out while celebrating my 29th birthday. my first birthday without my mother.

don't get me wrong, i'm grateful for the 28 birthdays i've had with her.
this birthday, i couldn't think of any wishes. i refused to wish for anything. what's the point of wishing. i'm not making a wish. WHY. BOTHER.
now don't get me wrong, i completely understand how ridiculous that is. but really, it's a little difficult to fight these feelings ofcomplete hopelessness when they engulf you.  surround you. hovering overhead. it is! these feelings of wanting to melt away forever hit me hard on tuesday. over a week after my birthday.
in conjunction with some other shit going on... well... it compounded things. exponentially. i hate everyone. for those of you who have lost someone, specifically, a parent. specifically, a mother. i've been told nobody re…