facing the new year

the big question is how will i survive 2013?

i don't know where to begin. as soon as the clock struck twelve, my inner battle with fear resurfaced.

my fear: how do i remember her as the mother without cancer. how do i remember her spirit. i remember some bits and pieces of the last five years. if i cringe at the thought of merely starting a new year without her, even the pancan her, how will i get past the birthdays. mothers day. their anniversary. my birthday. thanksgiving. sh*ts just f*cked. it is. plain and simple. other people have gone through this too... yes. but with pain.

how do i do it without isolating myself? a silver lining is... well.. my personal opinion is that i produce some of my better pieces of art when i am walking through valleys. =)

fear is human nature. as is doubt. in my mind, the world is what you make it to be. it is how you react to life's twists and turns. to the peaks and valleys. the plateaus. life's tragedies and triumphs.

so yes, i acknowledge that no matter what anyone says. your mother would be so proud of you. your mother is looking down on you. your mother is with you in spirit. what would your mother think if she knew you were sad because she's gone. at least you have your brothers. your sisters in law. your father. well.... i acknowledge that no matter what anyone says, she's still dead. she won't be here on my wedding day. if i ever have kids, they won't meet her. she won't see me grow in my career and as a woman.

i know she's proud of me. i know she left being proud of me. and that if she saw me at any point in the future, at each milestone, she'd be proud and filled with joy. but i won't see that.

silver linings: i survived the new year. i survived my first christmas. my dad survived. my brothers survived. we are ok. i've been through some sh*t in my life. and so have others. valleys are learning opportunities. we'll survive.. just like others have.

and yes, time heals. well, from what i hear... as time passes, one is just able to better live with that hole in their heart. that's all.

but right now, less than two months into it?

i still don't know what to feel. all i know is that i want her back, but i can't have what i want. the truth is that she's gone forever and that i just need to accept that. truly accept it. eventually i will. eventually i'll be ok. i'll be ok with the hole.

i talk to my dad. but honestly, as much as it makes me happy to talk to him and to be there for him, it also pains me to know he's lonely. i can't even fathom what it's like to lose your companion/soul mate/spouse/love of 40 years.

we're trying to be strong for each other. but it hurts.

but it's healthy and helpful. this is all worth nothing if you're numb.

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