remembering and forgetting

how do you keep from forgetting?

forgetting the feeling.
forgetting the love.
forgetting what it feels like to have a mother.
forgetting what it was like to have her in your life.
forgetting what it felt like to know you had the option to turn to her for advice or other motherly things.

it's only been almost two years. what will happen with each passing year?

i know, i can control it. remembering and forgetting. i can control it. but a girl's got to express her fear, right?

side note: i wish i could call her. i am at a crossroads in my life where i need to do something about something. the only thing is that i have to wait for the right timing. like waiting to hop into a game of double dutch. it's all about timing. but i will do something. and looking back on my draft posts, i've been needing to do something about something since at least march. there are several things that need to happen. but i must be patient.

the great thing about life though, is that… others can support. can love. can care. can encourage… that others can be my rock.

it'll be two years and i don't quite remember what it was like to have her around. especially not when she wasn't sick. she was diagnosed in 2008. what happened?

for once, I'm trying to remember. trying to remember something, anything. and i don't know how.

i usually consciously do not think about it and invite the resulting super sensitivity into my life. i usually actually DO want to remember, but my desire to not feel the pain and absence is greater (robot). so i don't go out of my way to remember. i know this isn't ideal. i am not a robot. so i'm making this change now, trying to blog. will talk to nick. the doc says i should write poems. one major change of several that need to happen. my other change is actually working out more and eating healthy. i want to live a long time, cancer and disease free. i don't want to die in a hospital or in hospice.

i don't really remember. i know my life as it is now. i know my life as i want it to be. the changes that need to be made. the next stages of life.

november will be two years. i will try to remember. if i can't think of childhood and adolescent memories, i turn to the memory of when she was sick, when she passed. what she said to us. and what i managed to sputter out when she asked me to pray for us on her deathbed… what she said to my dad and i the night before she passed. i can't remember now. i think i pretty much let her know it was ok to go and that i would take care of my dad. and that i would be fine.. with my dad and nick. most do not have the luxury of saying goodbye…of reassuring their loved one that it's ok for them to go and that you will be ok [enough] afterwards.

as I'm typing this, it's clear. i guess maybe that will be specific project number one: write about the events (and emotions) leading up to thanksgiving 2012. the farewell. at least it's clear.

after that, i think i will try looking at old photos and writing about them. that should help jog my memory, right?

this all being said, i am truly grateful for many things. specifically for the love of family and friends.. and especially from nick.

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