attitude checks - a loss of a mother

November three years ago, i was angry and bitter. for the life of me, i just couldn't muster up a thankful and grateful and overall positive attitude. how could i be thankful knowing full well that at any point, her liver would start shutting down, and she could die in months? how could i possibly not let that affect my being and not be sad and angry about that? in that same time frame, the other normal bs of life was also kicking in. i was questioning what i was doing and why. in every aspect of life.

i managed to work through that particular "dark period"…. somehow in december i started becoming a little less hopeless. a little less negative.

November two years ago (the year and month of), i somehow had managed to work through the prior year's angst so much so that i was at peace. if you had asked me the year before, i wouldn't have even fathomed being ok. not so much that i didn't believe i could be ok, but more so that i didn't know HOW i would even become ok. Two years ago to the day, we took her off all her meds and put her only on a morphine drip. The night prior, i had a moment alone with her in the hospital and told her it was ok to go, that we would be fine, that we would be sad and cry, but we would survive (this was the conversation we had a rehearsal for, remember?). Two years ago to this day, was Thanksgiving. My brothers, dad and myself went to the hospital to say goodbye. Her breaths were far apart and heavy. Her eyes closed. Moments after they put her on just the morphine, she became alert. We spent the next 30-45 minutes basically saying our goodbyes. Then she asked me to pray. UHHHHH WHAT?? The point of this part of the post is that:

i probably hadn't prayed out loud to anyone in YEARS. maybe almost a decade. i didn't go to church anymore. i used to be die hard. Tina would tell you i tried to convert her in high school (i have NO recollection of this.. ha). i was die hard christian up until jr/sr year of high school. but thats another story in itself. anyway….
somehow, i wasn't angry. i wasn't bitter. i was just sad. but at peace. and so grateful and thankful for the extra years we had with her. that she was a true statistical anomaly. pancreatic cancer's mortality rate is ridiculous for the first 2 years from diagnosis. and also ridiculous for the first 5 years. many people die in the first 2 years. even MORE people die in the first 5. the chances are even HIGHER once the tumors spread and grow in the liver. somehow, i was thankful for everything. and i trusted that we would all be ok. i had faith that we would survive. and i think she left happy. at least, i'd like to think so. looking back, i still don't understand how i was able to be pretty at peace and accepting of the situation while standing by her at her deathbed. i just can't comprehend. but i'll take it. i'll roll with it. someone, somewhere, gave me an attitude check. so thank you. friends, family, the powers that be (God/universe/whatever).

My brothers and I left the hospital, my dad stayed and said his goodbye. I still haven't asked him about it. We haven't talked about that morning really again as a family. I don't know if i want to. But I kind of do… because i want to remember it. The next morning after Thanksgiving, I came downstairs of my parents house and my dad had this look on his face. I knew.

I knew what happened.

She waited until Thanksgiving was over to pass. She left this world in the wee hours of the morning on Friday November 23, 2012.

December two years ago, my biggest fear was spiraling into an abyss. spiraling into depression. becoming a hermit. i feel my feelings pretty strongly.

November one year ago (one year after), i had survived. i was still ok. we were still ok. It went by slowly, each month i couldn't help but count the number of months that had passed. and around month 9, i think i had forgotten to count. i had to think about it (and use my fingers to count!)

Today, it's been about two years since all this. I don't really remember the past year. It flew by and honestly, it's been ok. My heart is very heavy, but I am ok.

OK that's it of that… I will tell you that one thing i miss most.. is having a mom to be a mom and do mom things and nag me in only a way a mother could. to love me the way only a mother could.

(she didn't really realize why i wanted her to show me her middle finger)