the pang O_o

so it's starting to sink in.

she passed away at 1 am on 11/23. about a month later is when it started to sink in more. my theory is that this "delay" is a result of her not being in my daily routine.

what's it like to not have a mom?

to those of you who have lost a mother (or father) - i'm sorry. i see now that even with a dying mother i never truly understood what was to come. no one can. even now i can't. i can't even comprehend the loss of my own mother.

what has been a terribly sad realization, is that i can't seem to even remember her before she was diagnosed in 2008. it was the day after my 24th birthday that they told me about the lesion in her pancreas. i'm now 28. have i been so wrapped up in this that i can't remember?

she was so courageous and brave all those years. i managed to get through it. but this grief is unlike anything i've experienced since 2008. i thought it was uncertain and unpredictable back then... but NOW? that time bomb that we had following us around for 4.5 years just went off, and now it's time to find the pieces, pick them up, reassemble them, and glue them back together.

i thought i was strangely "fine" for a bit. then thought i wasn't feeling much. that i hurt less than i thought i would hurt.

now my heart is just constantly heavy. and i hurt. i'm slightly less fearful of the grieving process that i will slip in and out of until my last breath. i am relieved when my eyeballs leak - because that means i am human. it means i am not apathetic. i am not numb. i have that "pang" in my heart.

i've heard the first year is the hardest. this implies that 2013 will be difficult for me. as human nature would have it, i have some doubts. will i turn into a hermit? will my friend still want to spend time with me and say hi to me? will i alienate myself? but i have faith that it will be ok. right? will i take this all in stride and handle myself "well"?

by nature, i'm an idealist and a dreamer. but i also like to catch myself before i fall, or try to pick myself back up (with help from others) after slipping. this has knocked me flat on my ass and i'm really not sure how to pick myself back up. this it the epitome exactly what i don't like.

BUT.... i'm actually content sitting on the floor for now ^_^

this is also the epitome of the lesson i need to... and want to.. learn - to REALLY embrace life's uncertainty... and to find peace and joy amidst the storm. to minimize fear.


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