rock bottom riser

the purpose of this post is just for me to type feelings out because theyre currently trapped in my noggin... nothing prolific or anything....

you know... one minute, you're FINE. and then BAM it hits you. your're driving home from OC, slightly nostalgic, and coming from a bridal shower of a dear friend and from getting boba with another dear friend. you're singing along to tswift's 1989 album. and then...TEARS. streaming down your cheeks.

i miss her.... there is so much happening. a new house, a bright future, happy at work. pretty at peace and happy with life. this is the best i've been (overall) in maybe a decade with where i am, where i've been, and where i am going. i mean, nothing is ever 'perfect'.. but seriously, i'm actually not tinged with conflict in my head and questioning things. but... i guess everything is just...so...damn. bittersweet. 

she's not here. (yeah yeah, she's in your heart, with you always). yeah, but SHE'S. NOT. HERE. i miss her. i can't see her, i can't hear her, she hasn't been in my dreams, i can't hug her, i can't ask for her help or feedback. mom can't take care of me. and i want her here now. i want to TELL her everything that's going on and that will be happening in the next few years. and i want her mom responses and reactions.

i don't know what triggered it. welllll ACTUALLY... it could be the 5 weddings coming up from 10/2-12/12. it could be the house and life's happenings. it could be that my heart is heavy thinking of friends/family, or their loved ones, who are ill, undergoing something, or have parents/inlaws/siblings/uncle who have passed recently.

shit's real, man. shit's rul real. anyway. i'm better now. i had a good cry.

also, i know i usually post something when i should probably practice being emotionally open with people in RL. and practicing actually expressing myself out loud... but whatever. here i am. i'll write it first then tacoboutit.

but i actually do have a draft version of a positive post in which i discuss how "ok" i am these days. and about the epiphany i had...my 20s were pretty rough, man. 30 was weird. but i mentioned my realization to christie... her response?  "welcome to 31!"  31 is pretty damn ok. ^_^

here's an excerpt from the "i'm ok" ghost post:
"and you know what? YES! welcome to (almost) 31!  you're starting to grow into your skin. the grief is still there, but you're used to it. the muck is gone, the quarter life crisis is well over. the 30 year old crisis is tapering off. there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. there is an end in sight. AND, after the end in sight, there's nothing terrible waiting for you. you feel good. you finally have a sense of peace.

thank you to friends family and nick. sad and emotional roz isn't seen by all or by most, but she's real. sad me actually prefers no one sees it. and whoever lives with me sees the worst of it. the occasional, uncontrollable sobbing and hopelessness. thanks for being there and helping to pull me out of my ruts. thats what we're for. we pull each other out. we're all there when someone else needs to be pulled out or needs help standing..or even needs company while sitting in the muck."

so, here i am! risen from rock bottom. almost a decade later. ESPECIALLY the past 7 years from when she was first diagnosed.

*my rock bottom..relatively speaking, is not as rocky as some others. but i survived some shit. it was MY rock bottom, though. and i am a cancer sign.  but anything rocky that happens in the future, i won't let it sink me to the bottom. <3

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