it's been a long time comin

i think i've finally graduated from living in a dark cloud filled world, to a pretty sunny and bright world again. and i am not skeptical.. i do not currently think that the other shoe will drop. it's sunny! and green!

you know that dark cloud? the one that follows you around, almost impossible to shake. the one that threatened to thunder, lightning, rain, and hail? the one that had a gun and promised to shoot you once, at an unexpected moment, sometime in the future? the one that was there for 4.5-5 years that you were forced to accept. that forced you to learn to truly appreciate silver linings and statistical anomalies. well, it shot me (and my family, i suppose) on november 23, 2012.

the cloud finally shot me. i guess there a rule in movies, where if you see a gun, it WILL be used. i saw the gun sometime around july 6th 2008. month to month. day to day. scan to scan. test to test. 85% mortality. #4 killer. 3 months.  3-6 months. google search to google search.

after the gun finally went off, the cloud remained and transformed into a different beast. a non gun wielding beast, thankfully.

and there have been other factors impacting my entire being, but it's difficult to manage when you have this dark cloud that's been there since 2008, and you've moved on to grieving the loss of your mother.

it's now 2016. i've looked up in the sky the past six months or so and haven't really noticed the presence.

for once, i feel as if i can truly appreciate and be grateful for life's blessings. am i happy?! =)

my feelings are mixed. because i am pretty happy now.  the month to month fear of losing my mom soon ended when she passed. the grief has become bearable and less present. all the good that has happened in the past 8 years has been tinged by this cloud. by me. it's difficult to fight through. she's not here. it's been 7-8 years of focusing on silver linings. of reminding myself what i should be grateful for. bittersweet is the word i'm looking for. or, in terms of hit movie "inside out".. my memory globes are each very colorful.

but now, now that i found myself thinking "wow, i'm finally happy. this weight of loss is seemingly lifted. i can truly appreciate things with the cloud gone!!! it's just sunny, and i'm not looking for a silver lining" i am able to allow myself to feel that happiness. it's strange and so foreign, oddly enough. i was really starting to think that this long road had permanently dimmed my spark.

however, as i am writing, i'm sad. i miss her. i think chinese new year made me sad. we used to eat together every cny, even in college. even when she was sick. oddly enough, i think realizing that i'm pretty happy now is making me sad. i don't know why. i don't know why there are tears rolling down my face. i think it's because i'm finally genuinely happy and not struggling to stay positive, i'm sad because she's not here to see it.

this post turned into quite the opposite of what i intended. before i started writing, i was pretty excited about life. now, i'm still excited. but i also realized how much i miss her.

also.. is it sad that a children's animated movie made me realize how important and normal it is for some of your moments to be mixed with feelings of joy and sadness and what not? does this mean i have the same emotional capacity of an 11 year old or whatever??! hahahahaah

yes, i am a big pile of mush.

i miss you mom. and love you. and know that you would be proud and happy.

grief is a weird beast. so is life. life is awesome and weird. but c'est la vie. life goes on! spark by irreplaceable spark.

The good news is that it's finally sunny! :)


(by the way, this lion dance video is what i was watching when i really felt compelled to type my feels out. i love watching lion dances SO much. so much cuteness and nostaglia.) 

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